Send me reciprocal love...

Yes, I am in a melancholy mood, so what other greatest hits CD to listen to other than... Sade. Here's a song that speaks to my mood.

Sade's release of Percy Mayfield's original song-Send Me Someone to love


I continue to work hard at following my heart. I recently took a risk and told a wonderful brotha that I have grown to have deeper feelings for him than I have been willing to acknowledge. The feelings were not reciprocated but like I told him I have no regrets. Here in an excerpt of something I wrote to him after "the talk"...


The experience allowed me to remember that in due season, Mr.WonderfulBrotha for WonderWoman will join my life. I wrote different sections of the piece that follows at different points in my life, but as I look at this today... these are still my ultimate desires in Mr.WonderfulBrotha for WonderWoman.

My Ultimate Desire

(I wrote this section Jan-2008)
Mr.WonderfulBrotha will bring laughter to my soul
Mr.WonderfulBrotha will inspire me
Mr.WonderfulBrotha will encourage me
Mr.WonderfulBrotha will push me
Mr.WonderfulBrotha will support me
Mr.WonderfulBrotha will enhance me
Mr.WonderfulBrotha will LOVE ME!
Mr.WonderfulBrotha will receive and respectfully appreciate my LOVE FOR HIM!
Mr.WonderfulBrotha will be my partner in life-someone I can laugh, play, cry, and grow with...

(I wrote this section Summer-2006)
• He will love and respect me for my strengths and weaknesses. Some of my weaknesses he will even find endearing. He will appreciate my quirks and extroverted nature.
• He is a Man that I can share all of myself with... my hopes, my dreams, and even my fears. He is confident and able to share his hopes, dreams and fears also.
• He is a kind and empathetic man in his special way.
• He will appreciate and respect my children, family, and friends.
• He is a Gentle Warrior! He’s Protective, but not a rage-filled person.
• He has vision for his life and purpose. He is motivated. We are a powerful team!
• He is supportive and encouraging, especially during those times when I am down and need a supportive push... he is there and in tuned.


What is sexy to me… (I wrote this section Spring-2004)
• A brotha with a beautiful smile (I am weak for dimples… but sexy lips are essential.)
• A tall black man with broad shoulders (over 6 feet, 220-250… depending on height. I know I am short, but I love a tall brotha.)
• A black man after a hot shower with damp skin and cocoa butter scent
• If you have hair… I love a fresh line up with a tight goatee. Bald is beautiful with a tight goatee… a freshly shaven bald head goes with the shower scene.. lol
• A brotha that smells good. Some of my favorite colognes- Kenneth Cole, Calvin Klein (they have a few scents I like), Old school Farenheit and Obssession (for nostalgia sake…lol), Prada and Sean John (new to list as of 2007ish)
• A brotha in a crisply pressed shirt with cuff links (men need accessories too…)
• Speaking of accessories… I must say one earring with a simple stud with a little sparkle in it is a great accessory (the big bling is not necessary, his earring shouldn’t be bigger than mine)
• If he is suited up… I love it when it looks like the suit was just made for him (well tailored and a style that compliments his body)
• If he’s going for the casual look… I love a nice pair of jeans on a man with just the right amount of sag to them, but not falling off.
• Nice Shoes… oh that is an important part of the package (my aunt said a man’s shoes can tell you about the man.)


This recent experience is another lesson learned, and I am getting better and better about being my authentic self. I am getting ready for love…
-WonderWoman

Let Go & Let God

I found this poem recently, and it is very fitting to where I am these days:

Let Go & Let God .

--Author Unknown

As children bring their broken toys,
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again
and cried, "How can you be so slow?"
"My child" He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

i LOVE you... from my soul

i LOVE you… from my soul
Written by WonderWoman on March 17, 2008

YOU are different people and experiences in my life that my mind is struggling to reconcile with and embrace… TODAY.

Authentic LOVE transcends to my soul
It doesn’t end because you or I say so.
Relationships change, and some are discontinued,
But my soul still loves you because it connected... with your soul
When souls connect it is so much bigger than
What you or I want…

You have your own journey and my purpose is to walk with you.
On this stretch of the journey it's time I that put you down
so you can learn to walk on your own.
You have your purpose in this life, and
I have to remember that you are actually not an extension of me.
You are your own mind, body, and soul.
I birthed you and God created you.
You, are an extension of God…
I have to learn to walk beside you...
and hold you up when you need me,
but I can't carry you that is God's work.
i LOVE you… from my soul

I grew up with you. Our lives have been interconnected for so long.
My soul feels your pain, even when I don't want it to.
I call on God for direction.
The other day, you said '''its' is no biggie...”
Yes, I understand that we are all born to live and die.
The biggie of it all is not the end…
It is the reality that time... might run out in this life
Before the healing you need happens.
My prayer for you is...
God, heal his heart in the physical and in the spiritual.
Today I have a deeper understanding of how...
love and pain have been a part of our relationship,
Yet past our minds… our souls still know each other.
i LOVE you… from my soul

You became a part of my life a while ago,
and we became interconnected...
Before my mind could talk me out of it.
Thank you for laughing and dreaming with me!
I can take the bumps of life better these days with you...
Some people around us see something that you and I don't want see.
My mind can't believe it was not able to stop this "madness".
My heart and soul know the truth.
i LOVE you… from my soul

You are so much more than a J-O-B.
You are what I was called to do.
Spirit continues to guide me in this work,
Even when my humanness gets frustrated, and
wonders if this J-O-B is for me.
In the midst of a long draining day, my soul smiles at a moment or an experience,
that I couldn't schedule or orchestrate.
This work is so much bigger than “my” agenda and “my” plan.
i LOVE you… from my soul

Today I have a deeper understanding of how LOVE… from my soul
can't be denied even when the mind struggles to accept it.

Some Things I Know For Sure...

Last night, of course was another restless night. I was going thru CDs and found my Mary J- No More Drama CD and my Mary Mary CD. My little cousin sang this song, "Can't Give Up Now" by Mary Mary, at my Grandma's Birthday Party and it was what I needed to hear a few weeks ago and definitely what I needed to listen to TODAY...



In the stillness of the night... I finally shut off the noise around me so I could hear the whisper... "You can't give what you don't have. Things are hard right now... Just lean on me". My time with my Grandma a few weeks ago, and the retreat this weekend was the spiritual nourishment that I know I need to climb out of this valley.

I had a good soul cry to this song, today... "Still My Child" by Mary Mary



Some Things I know for sure...
-This too shall pass... in due season
-I can't expect to win if I never try...
-How I am feeling is not just about you... I am really struggling to find the best way for me to deal with the collection of unmet desires and challenges I am experiences right now.
-I realized that the reason I usually have such intense internal battles is because I fight so hard to avoid disappointment. I try to control my wants because it really sucks when I can't have what I want when I want it. Bratty but honest...

I am grateful...
-For wisdom that I have gained through experience and the ability to listen to the wisdom of others.
- For God's whisper
-For XOXOXOXOs... well lately there have been only XXXXXXs... but I am ready for some OOOOOs... lol
-For LOL
-For music that can feed my spirit


Encouraged,
WonderWoman

Gaining a deeper understanding...

... of what LOVE is. As you can see I was blogging earlier, and I got some sleep but not much. So I came back to write some more... because some of my thoughts are blocking my rest. My thoughts and my friend Pops recent blog post inspired this blog.

Mary J, has a song on her latest CD, What love is. These are the lyrics

Mary J Blige Lyrics

The chorus speaks to some of my thoughts:
"And it feels like joy, and it feels like pain.
And it feels like sunshine, feels like rain.
An excuse for dying, reason to live.
And if you don't know that's what love is..."

A quote from one of my favorite authors
"Loves makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." - Zora Neale Hurston

My Thoughts... i LOVE you
(The "you" in these thoughts are different people and collectives)

• Authentic Love that transcends to the soul, doesn't end. Relationships change, some end, but the soul still loves because it connected with another soul and soul memory doesn't end. When souls connect it is so much bigger than what you or I sometimes want.
  
• You have your own journey and my purpose is to walk with you. On this stretch of the journey it's time I that put you down so you can learn to walk. I am right here beside you. You have your purpose in life, and I have to remember that you are actually not an extension of me. You are your own mind, body, and spirit. You, like all of us are an extension of God not me. I have to learn to walk beside you... there to hold you up when you need me, but I can't carry you that is God's work. i LOVE you.
  
• I grew up with you. My heart feels your pain, even when I don't want it to. I call on God for direction. Our lives have been interconnected for so long. The other day, you said '''its' is no biggie... you are born to live and die." The biggie of it all is not the end, it is the reality that time might run out before the healing you need happens for you. My prayer for you is... God heal his heart in the physical and in the spiritual. Today I have a deeper understanding of how I can still love you. Anger and pain have been a part of our relationship... yet past our minds our souls still know each other. i LOVE you.
  
• You became a part of my life and we became interconnected before my mind could talk me out of it... completely. My mind can't believe it was not able to stop this "madness". My mind is losing the war because my heart and soul knows the truth. Thank you for being my best friend. I can take the bumps of life better these days because of our relationship. i LOVE you.
• You are so much more than a J-O-B. You are what I was called to do. Spirit continues to guide me in the work even when my humanness gets frustrated and wonders if this J-O-B is for me. In the midst of a long draining day, my soul smiles at a moment that I couldn't plan or orchestrate. This work is so much bigger than my agenda and plan. i LOVE you.

Today I have a deeper understanding of how LOVE can't be denied when it's in the soul.

Some thoughts...
WonderWoman

Remembering my Playfulness...

This weekend I attended a Project Joy Retreat (www.projectjoy.com). This is a training/retreat that teaches adults working with children how to use intentional play in our work with them. I returned from my vacation to see my Grandma and within a few days was back in the thick of the stresses I am dealing with... at work and at home.

I was looking forward to this retreat because I have done smaller workshops with folks from Project Joy last year and was looking forward to attending the retreat since then. I almost cancel going because of things going on at work and home that have left me feeling so drained. I got there late, but Spirit guided me in spite of myself just like my trip to Alabama (see last post). I am so grateful that I went.

My most joyful moments are when I am laughing and playing... and I had a weekend filled with laughter and play. I needed to just shake off the adult stresses and there were activities that really brought me back to joyful memories and I was able to escape in the fun of play. Some highlights:

• The game "Bust-A-Groove"... I moonwalked to Billy Jean in a room full of adults... and I was at "work". That was so exhilarating.
• Remembering that I need to take care of myself. One session we developed our Joy Plan/Self care Plan.
• There was another session where we remembered a moment in our childhood when we had joy and playfulness. I remembered my neighborhood and friends... how carefree we felt when we would go outside... riding I bikes, playing in the park, and letting our imagination take us so many places. Reflecting on those memories and listening to others share their memories that then reminded me of even more memories.

This retreat gave me the space to release a lot of energy thru play, and I also had Saturday evening to just relax away from home.

I am grateful...

• For having the opportunity to attend the Project Joy Retreat. It was what I needed and I left rejuvenated.
• That I can still play. Even with weight of some of the things going on in my life... I still have joy. I still seek laughter and play.
• The 25th Anniversary Release of Michael Jackson's Thriller album. I have so many joyful memories of dancing and singing with my friends and family... as a child and as an adult. I have been known to turn on MJ with my sons... singing and dancing. My sons pretend like I am driving them crazy, but I can tell they enjoy seeing me so playful and happy.
  
• For Bishop. You're the bestest! Your perspective helps me more than I think I share outloud (I move past the hearing stage most of the time...lol). Thank you for the laughs, and the support. This weekend reminded me of how much joy and playfulness is a part of our relationship.
  
• For Lemonade Shortbread Girl Scout cookies. I bought my second box of these cookies this weekend... yummy!

Well I need to go to sleep! Getting more sleep is a part of my Joy Plan.

I got Joy Joy Joy...
WonderWoman

My Grandma T's Love...

I just got back from my trip to Alabama for my Grandma's 84th Birthday Party. It was exactly what my spirit needed.

My Grandmother is an amazing representative of LOVE. My understanding of LOVE and FAITH were seeds planted in me as a child, not so much by the words my Grandmother spoke, but by her actions. As I grew up and as I continue to grow, I continue to experience love and faith in my Grandma's everyday actions.

My Grandma's house is always open to anyone who needs her. During her Birthday Party, there was a reflection part of the event and guests got up to reflect on experiences with my Grandma. Some relatives shared how open her home and her kitchen was to anyone who came by "THE HOUSE". Everyone just refers to my Grandma's house as "THE HOUSE", any you know exactly where they are referencing. Some of my cousins shared stories of whoopins... cuz we all got them for one reason or another.

My reflection was not so much about the whoopins as much as it was that my Grandma was always consistent… Love of God and Family, Collective Responsibility and Safety were the underlying principles of most of the rules in my Grandma’s house. If she said this is the expectation do it or “this” will happen if you don’t… she meant it. Dishonoring Family, Responsibility, or the Safety expectations would surely get you a whoopin, but I felt in my heart (beyond the pain of the whoopin) that these principles mattered. I model a lot of who I am as a mother after my Grandma. Some of my worse whoopins were at the hand of my Grandma T, yet I never doubted her love for me. Even in the punishment there was a loving spirit.

The part of this trip that I am most thankful for... is the night talks with my Grandma. Since my Granddad died a few years ago, I always look forward to sleeping in my Grandma's room with her (see my last post). She has such a comforting spirit and she is so funny. She was so excited that I was able to make it down for her birthday. She and I have a connection that I can't eloquently put into words. I often say, "God knows my heart", and he truly does. The most amazing thing is my Grandmother... can feel my heart even if she doesn’t know what’s going on. She can feel me when my heart is heavy.

Some family members talk to my Grandma all the time... leaning on her and reaching out to her for support. I consciously don’t reach out to her for support as much as others do, because I have always felt that too many people relied on her already. But she feels me in spite of my mind telling me don’t burden her. She and I just have this way between us that I don't even have to say what's on my heart... she just already offers me the support I need. She always has a spirited pearl of wisdom to share... sometimes in a prayer, and sometimes through the humor of one of her fabulous rhymes or riddles. My Grandma is the originator of Hip Hop... lol. ("I'm like a bird... I get there first"- Grandma T)

Lately, I have been feeling the weight of so many people needing to lean on me. My Grandma could just tell, I didn't have to say a thing. The first night, she sat with me on the bed and just prayed for me. She told me. "Baby, just let go of the weight". She said she could feel it when I hugged her. She then offered her wisdom. She said, "I gotta lean on God because without him I can't take the weight of everything and everybody that needs to lean on me".

My Grandma has told me more than once, that I have her nature. For a period of time in my life I resented that, because I grew up with women that gave so much of themselves without getting much in return from many of the people that were recipients. Some of their giving was with the hope that they will be loved in return... like a downpayment towards love. I have been there… done that. My Grandma gives because she feels called to give. I denounced the “superwoman” mentality at one point, but I am realizing that I am knee deep in it these days. On the plane ride home I realized that I needed to assess some areas of my life to understand the spirit of my giving… is it because it’s a calling or is it because I am looking for love in return? I am continuing to grow and give and receive love in ways that I can’t always predict. I know love beyond limits, and I also know love that exists in spite of the limits I place on it.

I am grateful…

1. For my Grandma T. She continues to inspire me, and is such a wonderful representative of God’s Love.
2. For Sweet Tea. Simple loving gestures make such a difference for me. My Grandma was so happy to have me home, that she made me my own “jug” of Sweet Tea (a gallon jug to be exact). I needed some of Grandma’s loving and Sweet Tea.
3. For the truth that Spirit gives me whether I listen or not. Sometimes I get in my own way, yet Spirit continues to guide me. I had so many reasons why I “shouldn’t” go to Alabama… but Spirit didn’t let me block what I needed.
4. “Old Town Coffee”. This was a small coffee shop that just opened in Thomasville, AL. I didn’t know how I was going to get through this visit without some where to get coffee… and then my cousin found this shop. I was able to get a latte after going two days without any coffee.

I read Proverb 31:10-31 at the opening of my Grandma’s Birthday. I remember the first time I reflected on this passage as an adult… my Grandma is the image I saw in this reflection. The verses that really capture the essence of my Grandma (Proverb 31:25-31):

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

So Blessed,
WonderWoman