I can be...

... So much more emotionally open in writing than I can be verbally.

A friend just called me after reading an email about my a la Summer Adventures plan that I sent and then came to check out my blog. She and I talk regularly, yet she just told me how it takes reading my words to truly understand how I am feeling, because I seem distant and silent lately. She quoted a phrase I use often to say the feeling outloud but not really deal with it outloud... "it is what it is".

A typical "feeling" conversation these days:
I say- this or that happened. i feel pissed/hurt/frustrated/angry/disappointed/insert other feelings i don't like to feel.
s/he says- wow. that sucks/that's not okay/she is ridiculous/ he is stupid/insert other empathetic statements following a typical "this sucks" rant!
I say- it is what it is... (change subject)

After she said this to me... I realized that I am getting more and more emotionally silent, even with those I lean on most. Some of my silence is because I don't want to hear myself or my feelings outloud, other times I am just trying to stop complaining so frequently and re-living events that frustrate me. I realized its harder for me to get past my frustration if I re-tell/re-live an event more than once. So if I told one person than I am really trying not to then re-tell/re-live it more than that.

So in some ways when I am asked how I am doing, that is why I say what ever I am feeling at that moment and then change topics... and other times I do this because I actually... don't want to deal with it outloud.

I will be okay... and one way I know that for sure is because I have finally said OUTLOUD and via email (smile) that I need others to help me come out of the valley. Blogland has been my written outloud place to express somethings when I am ready to at least write them down... thats what I appreciate most about blogging.

Well I have done enough sharing.... wow 3 post in two days, and 1 post on my BMU Blog. I am exhausted with all this feeling stuff... lol.

Moving toward the light out of the cave,
WonderWoman