I'm a work in progress...

The space I am in the last week or so is not really even about someone else, as much as it is about me... and the fact that I am a work in progress. I have lost myself to an extent along the way these past few years. I am so much more than the roles I have in my life, and the more my roles stop reflecting what I desire in my life the more I have to face that truth. When things are not going as I would hope within my roles, the negative self talk begins to dominate that is a set up for self-destruction. Avoidance is the coping strategy that I turn to first, and it serves me for a moment... but it always leads to chaos eventually.

In my About Me section I say, " I am enjoying my life and the many roles I have in this journey. My most amazing accomplishment at this point in my life, has been the blessing of motherhood, because it has shaped fabulous ME." Well, I am truly grateful for my life and all that comes with it, and lately I have been struggling to deal with my dissatisfaction with things in my life. I really try hard to not be ungrateful, so sometimes I deny my dissatisfaction. I want more from my life and my relationships with my family, with my friends, and yearn to have a loving relationship a life partner. Relationships strengthen me in so many ways, and they also drain me at times. As a woman I have been doubting myself and some of the whys and whynots:

• of love- just tired and disappointed....
• of motherhood- I feel like my logic model for raising my children is not working... my inputs are not producing the outcomes for my 16 year old as I had hoped.
• of daughterhood- I thought I would be doing better then I am right now, and I feel like I am not being the best daughter I can be these days.
• of familyhood- I struggle with the balance between boundaries and just not being a "good" family member.
• of friendhood- I have been so blah lately... I fear I am not being a "good" friend either...

My most recent Revelation...
It's amazing how looking at my struggles with my 16 year old son has brought to the surface some deeper issues with how I relate to men in my life. My biggest frustration with my son is that he is not living up to his potential, and his self centered ways have been very self destructive for him. As his mother I really struggle with the "I-am-not-a-good-enough-mother-syndrome" that most women face as mothers, and feeling like its my fault when he fails. I know failure brings lessons, but its hard for me to separate what are my son's burdens to bare and what are mines as our relationship changes. I know I have to keep teaching and coaching even when I think he "should" know this by now... but it's getting harder to do that and not begin to be resentful. He is becoming a young man, and I know I have to give him the space to be his own person and I know I will probably not agree with some of his choices. He continues to start off strong yet finish poorly, and resists my support and guidance all along the way. I was so angry with him recently and more importantly hurt, because I believe in his potential so much that it just breaks my heart when he falls short of his best. I recently had a revelation that the hurt I feel comes from a deeper place. I have been here before... believe in a male and hoping they would be more than what they showed themselves to be... my father, my brother, my sons' father, and my last few Ex-boyfriends. I pay into the love bank and just don't get the return I sometimes hope for...

In my last post, I guess you could tell... my heart hurts and I feel sad these days. But it is so much bigger than YOU or my son... it is really my frustration with myself. I am frustrated with myself for putting so much of ME into relationships... to the point where I begin to loose myself. And I also am realizing that I need to check myself... when I invest myself into a relationship, what is the return that I am hoping for... because I am not always honest with myself about what I hope for or need as a return on my investment.

Forgiveness is the gift I am working on for myself. Forgiveness of myself most of all. Some relationships in my life have to change, and that's not a bad thing... it just is what it is. I need to put me first and remind myself of my priorities:

WonderWoman's Priorities
1st- Take care of myself- mind, body, and spirit
2nd- Take care of my children... Coach them to be their best selves
3rd- Be my best as a family member and friend
4th- Share my talents with others
5th- Finish what I started... if "it" will strengthen me

I have to remember that as I work on becoming a better WonderWoman... I will have to recognize the valleys, learn the lesson, and come up out... wiser and better!

-WonderWoman