One of my theme songs...

and the song that inspired the title of my blog- I Choose by Indie Arie

NEUTRAL has it's purpose

A little while ago I had a conversation with a superhero friend about the metaphoric role of Neutral in life. At the time of this conversation, I was down and I couldn't fully grasp the metaphor... but time has passed and I didn't let go of the pearl of wisdom that he shared with me. I am realizing more and more that NEUTRAL truly has it's purpose.

These are some of the purpose of NEUTRAL on your car (I got this online, and only posting for metaphoric purposes... consult someone who knows the automotive details about NEUTRAL on your car for driving purposes... cuz that ain't me... lol)

• Neutral is not a gear.
• This can be used for example if your car stalls while moving, you can shift to neutral, restart the engine and then shift back to drive.
• it disconnects the engine from the transmission, this allows the vehicle to "freewheel", works great also if your car is parked in a garage for example and you want to roll it frontward or backward a foot or 2 for example, rather than starting the vehicle and wasting gas you can place the transmission in neutral and push the vehicle.
• Neutral is also used as a space between Reverse and Drive, that keeps you from accidentally shifting into reverse from drive without pressing on the button on the gearshift first.

These are some of the purposes of NEUTRAL in my life, these days...

• I just need to "disconnect the engine from the transmission" for some matters- I feel like some things have stalled in my life and I just need to shift to neutral, restart my engine... and then I am ready to move forward. This is not a permanent state, just a necessary position to help me restart for these particular matters.
• "Freewheeling" for some other matters- I am just "freewheeling" for a short distance before I switch into gear... "reverse" or "drive" which one, I am not sure? Sometimes its as clear at it seems which gear I should be in for some matters. God's whisper is saying I need to be still in neutral and I may need to go in reverse in order to get back on track... and that's okay for some matters. But for now I am just "freewheeling" until its time to move in either direction.
  
• Neutral is also there for me as my protection from accidentally shifting into "reverse" from drive in a few other matters- As much as I don't like going "backwards" sometimes I do it because its familiar and/or as a distraction... those are the times when "reverse" is not the best gear. When I slip back I can always go back into N and then into "drive"...
  

Some reminders of people, things, places I am grateful for:

• sharing some time with my sistafriends... to vent, remember "I ain't the only one going thru", be encouraged, be reminded of our fantabulousness, and most of all... just be for a little while...
• my Daddy's Hugs. Sometimes I drive an hour to see him... just for a hug, and to be Daddy's Little Girl for a moment... NEUTRAL at it's best! I don't like for my Daddy to worry about me, so I sometimes don't share the details of things with him, but we've gotten to a place where its not needed... all I have to say is I just need a hug, and he knows I just need that moment to JUST BE... in a space that is so safe... my Daddy's arms!
  
• traveling down memory lane looking at my sons' photo albums... there were good times, and the reminder of how far I've come... I just can't give up now. I've come too far from where I started from... (when I get my scanner to work I will have to scan some of them)
• walks in the park... they're FREE and a great way to remember The Flowers and connect with spirit.

• A few days out of town with some of my superhero colleagues. I have been counting down the days for the last month, and now I can count down the hours... less than 48 hours!

Well I have some things I need to finish up before I leave for my trip...

Blessed and in Neutral,
WonderWoman

Peace, Be Still...

Last week truly reflected God's grace in my life and through my circumstances. The challenges are real, and when I truly let go and with faith and trust... Let God... I experienced his awesomeness. I have been quieter and that has allowed me to see more. God's whisper reminded me to listen at least twice as much as I speak. Some things I was more aware of last week:

Being more present in my day
Each morning I decided to focus on at least one aspect of my day where I would be as fully present as I could. For example, on Wednesday afternoon I decided that I would fully engage in the enrichment activity I was participating in with students. It was hard to get out of my head at first, but when I did I was fully engaged in the game and for that moment my focus was on the children I work FOR... not the stresses of my day or the tension I just experienced from colleagues just moments earlier. That really grounded me! Presence truly equaled Peace in that moment!

Being more aware of my feelings and acknowledging their presence
I am the "great avoider" of feelings that don't make me happy or that make me anxious. I was more conscious this week of my feelings and particularly the ones I didn't feel comfortable with. I took the time to name the feeling and recognize its presence and move on so that it doesn't dominate what I am doing. It's like the child that keeps calling, "mommy mommy mommy mommy" until you answer and then the child just says "you didn't answer me" and moves on. Eckhart Tolle says awareness is the foundation of higher consciousness.

Being more prayful and more aware of God's whisper throughout the day
Some things going on with me right now professionally are really trying, and I realized that I have been so passionately frustrated in these days because for the first time I can clearly see how the professional work I am doing is connected to my purpose. It is so much more than a J-O-B. In the past, I have prayed for a J-O-B, I have prayed for a way to quit a J-O-B... but I realized that I don't pray often enough for guidance in the work I am doing in my J-O-B. Last week in some work situations, I would stay silent and just pray for God's presence... and in those moments his whisper told me what I needed to do. Similarly in my personal life things have been really trying, and I am getting better about suspending my judgment and just asking for God's presence in the particular situations.

per·se·vere
intr.v. per·se·vered, per·se·ver·ing, per·se·veres
To persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement.

A superhero friend asked me last week... Who are your allies at the J-O-B? Last week was truly telling of who are my allies vs. who I thought were my allies. I am not in this alone. A motto that one of my allies shared with me... "this too shall pass- I just have to live through it!"

-WonderWoman... a work in progress

I have an abundant love-filled life!

I started this blog on April 3rd, and at the time, I couldn't type more than the title, because I was really in a fog and couldn't see this to be truth in that moment. Today (April 9th), I choose to finish this blog because God is awesome and this title is THE TRUTH.

The fog was THICK. Truthfully for the last couple of months it has been getting thicker, but last week I had only about 3% visibility. Just enough visibility to remember that this title is truth, and I just needed to really LET GO & LET GOD.

The fog was some of these negative feelings that diminished my vision...

• scared
• self-doubt
  
• guilty for failing
• shame for not being a "perfect" woman, mother, friend, daughter, sister, leader... and the list of roles go on
• angry
• sadness
• hurt
• disappointed
• lied to
• lied about
• attacked
• self-pity
• defensive
• wanting
• deceived
• lonely

Sunday, I got alone so I could just focus on the 3% visibility which was my FAITH and my soul felt awareness that "I HAVE AN ABUDANT LOVE-FILLED LIFE". I went to my "I need YOU" playlist in iTunes, and one of the first song is "Still My Child" by Mary Mary, and then this song- "Show Me" by Yolanda Adams (I couldn't find the video online so here are the lyrics... ).

Show Me by Yolanda Adams
There is a place in me
That no one but You can see
And in that place I'm really insecure
I've been hurt before by man
But I'm really sure You understand
Every tear I've cried
I bet You've cried a million more
How can I get back to where my smile I had was real
I'm desperate for Your touch
And I miss Your voice so much

Lord show me Your face
I'm longing for Your presence to fill this place
I give You all the pieces
'Cause you made a promise
You put me back together
Better than I was before

In the coldness of the night
I'm surrounded by Your light
Even in the darkness,
You tell me don't be afraid
I am not afraid
After all that I've been through
I'm still valuable to you
So I run to Your arms
Where I'm safe within Your praise
And just in case I forgot to tell You
Don't ever let me go
I'm desperate for Your touch
And I miss Your voice so much

Lord show me Your face
I'm longing for Your presence in this place
I give You all the pieces
'Cause you made a promise
You put me back together
Better than I was before

Lord, show me your will
Until you do I promise that I'll be still
So, come and take these pieces and
You made me a promise
You put me back together
Better than I was before

Before I met You
Before I knew You
My heart ached for something that I could not explain
And then, when I saw You,
I finally knew what I thought love was before had changed
Lord show me Your face
I'm longing for Your presence in this place
I give You all the pieces
'Cause you made a promise
You put me back together
Better than I was before

So I have started each morning this week with:

• my "I need You" playlist while I enter a space for prayer
• Repeating my mantra- "I am coming out of this valley more fantabulous then before. I am growing even more, and my life is more and more love-filled thru this".

And during the day I pray for God's presence when I am am feeling the fog get thicker, thank him when I get pass the foggy spot, and ask him for his guidance so I can listen and give from my heart not my mind in some situations. I also, have Michael J, Thriller CD, in the car on rotation because that brings back so many joyful memories. During difficult situations during the day, I just sit and say my mantra in my heart and that has kept me open to seeing past words that could make me feel hurt, defensive or angry.

I have some amazing allies in this world. My superhero friends and colleagues have really helped me to turn and look up out of this valley... and I can see there is a path leading up. My BestestFriends, have been in their own valleys... and still poured into my cup. Our friendships are so heaven sent. THANK YOU for being FANTABULOUS! One of my superhero friends posted a blog, that inspired me to choose to finish this blog today, April 9th. Because it's not easy for HUmans to show their vulnerability. Vulnerability has been easier for me in Blogland than in my personal relationships, because I figure most people don't read my blogs. POPS- thank you for being my number one /probably only viewer, and we do still need to connect. I will call you this week.

So Blessed and Loved,
WonderWoman